Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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