So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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