Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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