I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
