how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
