oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
