So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
