I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
