God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
