Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
