A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize