Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
