my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
