Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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