so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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