I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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