my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
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Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
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I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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