Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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