ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
