If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
