where am i from again
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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