They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
