Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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