so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
