I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
