have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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