I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
