i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I checked into jail on foursquare
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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