I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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