I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's rum buckets o'clock
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
