Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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