Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
