i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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