I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
