and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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