i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just gift wrapped bread.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
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