He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
