I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
