I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
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