I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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