My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
