The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
