I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
