i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
