about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
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It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
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I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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