the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I have fence marks all over my body
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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