I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
