Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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