so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
