can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
