this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
