Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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