There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
