Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
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I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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